The Problem With Keeping Secrets

 

Many of my blog posts emphasize how we inadvertently put children at risk for abuse.  One of those ways is teaching children to keep secrets.   I was told growing up, “what happens in this house stays in this house!”  I am sure most of us do not think about the consequences of this statement.

We penalize children for being a tattletale, snitch, or blabbermouth if they do not keep secrets.  Think about the impact of being told these things hundreds, if not thousands, of times during childhood.

What is a child to do when they are told not to reveal what goes on in their home, and are penalized for telling?  Now, imagine if the child is being harmed and they realize telling might lead to serious consequences for the abuser or themselves.  What will happen if they tattle?  Will they be believed, or will they get in trouble for telling a secret that causes distress and upheaval?  Sadly, distress and upheaval, more often result than the child being believed.

Many adults are frustrated when children do not listen. In reality, our children listen to us a lot more than we think they do.  I know a lot of parents who tell their children to inform them right away if someone inappropriately touches them.  My question is this— do we really mean that?  If your child receives a thousand messages to keep a secret and one message instructs them to tell if someone touches them, which message do you think they will listen to?

So what can we do?  First, we need to decide whether we want to continue to put children in a position where they must keep secrets and get in trouble for telling.  As a parent myself, there is no “secret keeping” policy in my home.  Yes, I have been a little embarrassed about what is revealed at times, but the bottom line is this—there will never be anything going on in my home that warrants a “secret keeping” policy. I do teach the difference to my daughter between secrets, surprises, and privacy. I make it very clear she has the right to talk about things that impact her and the right to tell who she wants.  We also discuss the fact that people in our home have the right to some privacy, which is different than a secret.

Therefore, you can still maintain boundaries in your home and simultaneously communicate with your children that they have the right to discuss what is happening to them inside and outside of the home.  Allowing children to change the “secret keeping” policy and encouraging them not to keep secrets will make it easier for them to come talk to us and ask questions.  It will also provide an invaluable bonus—our children will be much safer as a result.

 

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

 

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