What have we been told about authority figures in our lives? I always ask this question when I do trainings. I have found that, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, or country of origin, the answer is often the same. We must respect authority figures or elders without question – no matter what. I am often told that to do otherwise would cause conflicts and, in some families indicate betrayal and disrespect.
What does respecting authority mean, anyway? I was told the same thing, but never given an explanation. Let’s think about this from a child’s perspective. Does this mean that authority figures in our lives are always right, give us the best advice, and are always operating in our best interests? Does this mean we must do everything we are told to do, even if this means we will get abused sexually, physically, and emotionally? Children often can’t make these distinctions on their own. Do we allow children any power in their relationships with authority/elders? Do we ever allow them to set their own boundaries?
Have we ever really thought about this or do we think about it only after a child has been betrayed? Are we simply passing down directives from generation to generation because this is how it’s always been done – or maybe we just don’t think twice about it? This blanket directive has played a role in many children being sexually abused.
I can’t tell you how many times a parent has wondered why they weren’t told about the abuse. The child’s response to them is “you told me to listen to _(the perpetrator)__ no matter what.” The parent often expected the child to automatically know that they should tell the parent, even though this is not what they have been told. Do you see what I am getting at?
Unfortunately, those who sexually abuse children know that we teach children not to question adults in their lives. Many abusers use their status and power over the child to perpetuate the abuse and know that the child is unlikely to tell because they must listen to them – no matter what!
What would happen if we changed this? What if we told our children that respect is mutual and children have a right to say “no” to anyone who asks them to do something—anything they don’t feel is right or makes them uncomfortable? How could we change things if we told children they could decide whom they hugged and kissed? What if we told them they could say no to a directive that made them feel uncomfortable? What if it is in fact ok to question authority figures and elders without consequences, disbelief, or punishment? We would make the lives of many children safer.