Category Archives: Blog Posts

Challenges Addressing Child Sexual Abuse

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So many people work tirelessly to help children, youth and adult survivors of sexual abuse. They are teachers, guidance counselors, social workers, childcare providers, direct care staff, pediatricians, psychologists, nurses, child welfare caseworkers, lawyers, legal guardians, and the list goes on. Despite all these hard-working, dedicated people (and I consider myself one), there are several challenges we face in preventing, treating and intervening in sexual abuse.


• There is still an assumption child sexual abuse is only physical
As I have mentioned in a previous post, a child can be abused and never be physically touched. Unfortunately, many of us have been trained to respond to physical signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse. As a result, many of us do not understand all the ways a child can be abused and don’t understand the dynamics of grooming; as a result, we miss several opportunities to intervene.


• We rely too heavily on verbal disclosures from child victims of sexual abuse
Only 1 in 10 children will disclose abuse before the age of 18. Many children who are abused often do not have the language to articulate what is happening to them and may not understand what is happening is abuse. To keep children safe from abuse we must know all the signs and symptoms of abuse and understand how family history, dynamics, and behaviors makes a child vulnerable to abuse. We cannot merely rely on children to articulate to us what is happening.


• We typically don’t screen for child sexual abuse unless there is suspicion
There is no standardized routine screening for child sexual abuse. Although child sexual abuse reports are routinely investigated, the investigation is based on suspicion or a specific accusation. We routinely screen children for many health conditions, developmental delays, and some mental health conditions. I believe sexual abuse and trauma screening should be routine. The number of children who are abused or experience trauma indicates it is time for us to tack action!


• Primarily educate children about child sexual abuse and not adults
As someone who has taught body safety workshops, I can tell you we spend more time training children than we do adults. Why is it we make children responsible for protecting themselves? Even in school districts where they have sex abuse prevention curriculum, there is very little time and resources dedicated to educating parents and caregivers. To keep children safe, we need to emphasize the education of adults.


For those of us who work to keep children safe, we need to question, challenge, and work to change the systems we work it to address these challenges. If we all do our part, we can make the needed changes.

Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash

Talking To Children About Consent

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When I facilitate training every time I mention talking to children about consent, people often become visibly uncomfortable. I’m not sure how this happened, but when we think of consent, it usually takes on a sexual connotation. Because we hold on to this belief, we are missing a critical conversation with our children.  Dictonary.com defines consent as permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence: Based on this definition there is nothing sexual about teaching children consent. Having this conversation requires us just to teach our children they must ask permission to touch, hug, roughhouse, or wrestle with other children. I am surprised how “handsy” children with each other throughout the day. It surprises me how much children engage with other children without saying excuse me, asking permission, or considering another child’s feelings. This example may seem like a petty concern to have but multiple years and thousands of interactions where consent is not asked for or given leaves up with adults who do not believe they must ask for consent for any reason.

Teaching children about consent doesn’t only mean we are talking to our children about other children, we also speak to them about them giving consent to older youth, adults and authority figures in their lives. For some reason, many of us don’t believe adults must ask children for consent. Our defense is children don’t have the judgment, or we would lose control of our kids. As a result, children are often told to hug, kiss, keep secrets, not follow the rules, or do things that make them uncomfortable. These things may not necessarily have anything to do sexual abuse per se but may at minimum violate a child’s boundaries.
If you still don’t get what I am talking about, I would like you to do a quick consent exercise that I have given in training.

• How old were you and in what context did you learn about consent?
• Give three examples of when you had to give consent recently?
• Give three examples of when you didn’t give consent recently (non-sexual)

When I give this exercise, I specifically instruct people not to disclose sexual abuse or provide examples related to sexual activity. I do this just to highlight how much we take consent for granted or how little we think about it. People often have strong responses. What answers did you come up with?
Teaching children about consent is a powerful tool that if taught correctly and spoken too about often will be a critical skill they will have for a lifetime.

 

 

Photo by Rene Bernal on Unsplash

The Problem With Keeping Secrets

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Many of my blog posts emphasize how we inadvertently put children at risk for abuse.  One of those ways is teaching children to keep secrets.   I was told growing up, “what happens in this house stays in this house!”  I am sure most of us do not think about the consequences of this statement.

We penalize children for being a tattletale, snitch, or blabbermouth if they do not keep secrets.  Think about the impact of being told these things hundreds, if not thousands, of times during childhood.

What is a child to do when they are told not to reveal what goes on in their home, and are penalized for telling?  Now, imagine if the child is being harmed and they realize telling might lead to serious consequences for the abuser or themselves.  What will happen if they tattle?  Will they be believed, or will they get in trouble for telling a secret that causes distress and upheaval?  Sadly, distress and upheaval, more often result than the child being believed.

Many adults are frustrated when children do not listen. In reality, our children listen to us a lot more than we think they do.  I know a lot of parents who tell their children to inform them right away if someone inappropriately touches them.  My question is this— do we really mean that?  If your child receives a thousand messages to keep a secret and one message instructs them to tell if someone touches them, which message do you think they will listen to?

So what can we do?  First, we need to decide whether we want to continue to put children in a position where they must keep secrets and get in trouble for telling.  As a parent myself, there is no “secret keeping” policy in my home.  Yes, I have been a little embarrassed about what is revealed at times, but the bottom line is this—there will never be anything going on in my home that warrants a “secret keeping” policy. I do teach the difference to my daughter between secrets, surprises, and privacy. I make it very clear she has the right to talk about things that impact her and the right to tell who she wants.  We also discuss the fact that people in our home have the right to some privacy, which is different than a secret.

Therefore, you can still maintain boundaries in your home and simultaneously communicate with your children that they have the right to discuss what is happening to them inside and outside of the home.  Allowing children to change the “secret keeping” policy and encouraging them not to keep secrets will make it easier for them to come talk to us and ask questions.  It will also provide an invaluable bonus—our children will be much safer as a result.

 

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

 

Child Sexual Abuse And Loss

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I am writing this post months after my father’s death.    I am grieving!  As a social worker and a therapist, it is my business to help people deal with grief and loss.  Although grief and loss are not foreign to me, each loss is different, unique with its own unique set of circumstances.  There is no right way to grieve, and there is no set time frame indicating when the grieving will end.

Some people tell me child sexual abuse and trauma work is not the same as grief work.  I assure you that being sexually abused or experiencing other types of trauma requires grief work.  Think about it— if you are sexually abused, you may lose your ability to trust people and the world around you.  Your sense of safety is lost, and you lived in fear as a result.  As with any other loss, your world turns upside down— you do not know what to do and cannot imagine how to move forward.  That sounds like a loss, does it not?

When someone dies, it is clear we are experiencing grief and loss. There are practices, rituals, and many ways we acknowledge a death.   Pauline Boss came up with the concept of ambiguous loss.  These are often unacknowledged losses with no specific rituals and practices that help us cope. A mourning period is noticeable often absent in ambiguous loss.   Some examples of ambiguous loss include a child placed in foster care, incarceration, and those who experience abuse and trauma.

My father’s death is difficult, but this loss does not change what I believe about the world. It has not undermined my sense of self, my faith or my sense of safety. I would be completely devastated if it did!  Imagine a sexually abused child, who has lost all these things and more. Imagine if you are going through this and have not told anyone.  Imagine the additional burden.

I believe child sexual abuse survivors need to grieve to heal from abuse and trauma.   Survivors need to mourn what happened and what did not happen, acknowledge the losses, pain, shame, betrayal, confusion, anger, rage, ambivalence, and any other feelings that come up.   There is no right way to grieve. Many of us struggle with grief and loss, believing we may never get through it, so we do our best to avoid the pain.  Therefore, there is no specific way to tell survivors how to do it.

Imagine if child sexual abuse survivors were able to acknowledge their grief and loss in the same way we grieve when someone dies.   Imagine acknowledging the significance of the abuse, taking time off to participate in healing practices, having extra compassion for yourself, and having others bear witness to your pain.  Imagine the healing that could take place.

 

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Child Sexual Abuse is about power and not sex!

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Every day in the news, there are more and more stories of famous men being accused of rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment and sexual misconduct. As a result of these recent allegations, we see powerful men experience the consequences of their behaviors. We also see hundreds of women and men come forward to share their stories. A year ago when I saw the access Hollywood Tape, I felt hopeless and believed my work had been set back at least 15 years.   Fortunately, there is a shift today! This post blog is not trying to dissect the “why” about child sexual abuse, but to remind everyone that Child Sexual Abuse is about power!

There is always an assumption that sexual abuse and sexual violence is about sex it almost never is. Child sexual abuse is about dominance, exerting one’s control over someone else, exploiting someone more vulnerable. It is about taking advantage of one’s position of authority, status, and relationship with a child or youth to exert power over them.   If you look at all the allegations in the media you see the same theme–the survivors are often younger, have less status, and dependent on the abuser in some way (as a boss, mentor, or role model). In most cases of sexual abuse, the person knowingly uses his or her power to abuse others.

If children and youth see all these allegations and the resulting consequences of this appalling behavior, will we see more children disclose abuse? The simple answer is no!   Most children, 90% percent or more, know their abuser. They are often abused by people they know, love, and trust. Often children tell and they are not believed.   They cannot go to the press, the District Attorney’s office, change schools, quit jobs, quit their sports team or move out of their homes. In order for any effective action to happen, children must rely on adults in their lives to believe them and take the necessary steps to keep them safe.

I know many of you are encouraged by the shift, but I want you to remember not every person who reports abuse is believed. Most will never see their abuser receive any consequences, get an apology, or accept responsibility for the harm they have caused. Please remember for every allegation you see in the press, there are thousands that go undocumented.   Children cannot band together to “out” their abusers because they have no power or status.   They are at the mercy of the powerful in their lives- family, friends, teachers, coaches, and mentors.   I am asking all of you to remember only 1 in 10 children will disclose their abuse while they are children.   Do not get lulled into a false sense of security. Take active steps to keep the children in your life safe.

 

Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

Back to School Safety Tips

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A new school year is upon us. Children and families across the country are navigating school schedules, after-school programs, sports, and other extra-curricular activities.  The beginning of the school year is the perfect time to talk to children about body safety, setting personal boundaries, and helping them understand the limits of authority figures in their lives.  Accordingly,  my question to you is what have you done to make sure our children are safe during this new school year?

I am a parent myself; this post is not meant to raise anxiety, but instead, remind us we need to take some extra steps.  I mentioned in other posts children are most often abused by someone they know, especially those in positions of authority.  We need to remind children there is a line between respecting authority figures and doing everything an authority figure says without question.  Here are some quick tips to help you navigate this year:

  • Most states, cities and municipalities require that anyone who is in direct care of children receive a criminal background check, and screened to determine if they have a history of child abuse and neglect.

 

  • Youth staff under 18 employed in programs are not required to be have the same screening

 

  • The protocol for all camps, day cares, schools, and recreational programs states that no one should be with a child without an another adult present. When this is not possible (which should be rare), the adult/counselor and child must be in plain view. This includes being visible  with the doors open and another adult should be made aware of where the child will be.

 

  • Teachers, coaches, tutors, or any other direct service youth staff should not be calling, emailing, texting, sending direct messages or should be “friends” with your child on social media without your knowledge and consent.  Group communication is acceptable and often necessary, but individual contact should be limited.  

 

  • Children who have completed kindergarten should not be receiving help in the bathroom by any staff member unless there is an emergency.

 

  • You should remind your child they are entitled to set limits with other children, youth, and adults about their personal space, the right to say no, and to limit contact with anyone if they are uncomfortable.

 

  • Teach your child that they must respect the personal space of others.

 

  • We must take bullying seriously and be honest about the fact that some forms of bullying is sexual assault. Our children should know the difference!

 

  • Keep the lines of communication open so your child will feel comfortable talking about what goes on during this day.   

 

  • Ask your children what type of contact and situations makes them feel uncomfortable and remember that your definition of uncomfortable may be different from your child’s definition.  Once you find out, make sure you ask your child whether anyone has made them feel uncomfortable on a regular basis.

 

  • Begin to have a discussion with your child about consent.  Remember consent is not something we should only talk about in the context of sex, but instead, applies to many situations children face daily.  In the most basic terms, you should tell your child that no one should come into their personal space without their permission.  Also, let your child know they must get consent from others as well.

 

  • Ask your child to identify adults they feel comfortable talking to if they need to. Your child may need to talk to someone immediately and a parent might not be around.

 

  • Remember your words have a powerful impact on your child! If you call your child a tattle-tale, snitch, or encourage them to keep secrets, they may not tell you when they feel uncomfortable, scared, or feel unsafe.

 

A new school year is the perfect time to review these tips! You can add more information as each your progresses and your child gets older.

We all can do our part to prevent Child Sexual Abuse.

 

How to support Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

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Do you know an adult who was sexually abused as a child? In many ways this is a rhetorical question, because we all know someone who was sexually abused as a child, we just may not know it.   What would you do if they disclosed the abuse to you? How would you respond? What would they want from you?

Before you overthink these questions, I want to offer a few suggestions. First, no one expects you to provide therapy or to answer why it happened.   Perhaps they only want you to bear witness and listen to their story or maybe they want you to really understand who they are and what their personal journey has been. Many survivors have different reasons for why they want to tell their story. What I can say for certain is that a survivor does not need you to say the following things:

  • Why didn’t you tell
  • How come you didn’t stop it
  • Are you sure?
  • Maybe you don’t remember you were so young
  • I can’t believe —————— would do that to you
  • I feel so sorry for you

These are a few of the insensitive comments that are damaging and hurtful. Survivors also don’t need your pity, or your judgment; they simply want you to be the same person you were to them before they told you. They want you to understand they are not defined by their abuse; it is simply part of who they are.

I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with survivors who disclosed to someone and has felt rejected, humiliated or blamed for their abuse. The impact can be detrimental in a survivors healing process. I readily acknowledge it is difficult to know what to say or do if someone disclosures abuse to you. Here are a few options:

  • Thank you for sharing this with me, I appreciate your trust
  • I am here for you
  • It’s not your fault
  • I believe you
  • Is there anything I can do?

It is not necessary for you to know the specific details of the abuse. If you are not told, please do not ask. As much as we don’t like to talk about Child Sexual Abuse, I am always shocked when survivors are asked about the specific details of their abuse once they disclose. I wonder if this is our way to “prove” the abuse actually occurred.

Being in the moment with someone when they share their story with you provides healing and support.   When you think about how long people can hold on to their stories consider it a privilege they shared with you. All you have to do is be the same person they chose to tell their story to.

 

 

 

Our Collective Responsibility to End Child Sexual Abuse

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One of the most significant challenges of ending Child Sexual Abuse is silence and shame keeps us from acknowledging the scope of the problem. We simply don’t want to acknowledge millions of children are abused every year.   When pressed many will say we can keep children safe by strengthening the Criminal Justice system. The problem with this default response is only 2 percent of abusers go to jail for sexually abusing children.

After many years of doing this work, I have come to believe that we all play a role in contributing to Child Sexual Abuse. Our belief systems, thoughts and actions, make children vulnerable to abuse.

Many people react strongly to this statement, but I firmly believe it’s the truth.   The way we socialize children around authority, and reinforcing the myth of “stranger danger,” we create a culture of silence and disempowerment of children.

One of the things we need to do is work together to change our attitudes and belief systems about sexual abuse. I know that sounds impossible, but it is doable. Think about how our attitudes have changed over time about smoking, seat belts, and car seats. I remember when as a child no one thought much about these issues, but now we would hesitate to get into a car and not buckle up or put our child in a car seat. These are real, concrete examples of social norms changing.

One of the goals of this blog is to ask questions about social norms and how these impact sexual abuse. It is my belief raising awareness about social norms is the way we can challenge ourselves to make changes that keep children safer. I am asking everyone to commit to making one change that will make children safer. For suggestions, please look at previous posts.

 

 

 

Our Boys Need Protection

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There are far too few discussions about sexual abuse and when we do talk about it, we tend to be more protective of girls than boys. What about boys?   Based on current statistics, 1 in 6 boys will be abused before the age of 18. Why are we not paying attention to this?   Child Sexual Abuse is not an issue that only impacts girls. We need to talk to our boys and educate them just like we do our girls.

Many boys never knew sexual abuse was something that could happen to them because they were never told. This lack of knowledge is one of the reasons that boys disclose at very low rates. The reality is that even if they do tell, they are not believed and have their sexuality questioned.   Our ideas about males and masculinity have made it difficult to protect boys. When an older female, like a teacher or babysitter, abuses a boy it is seen as a “right of passage.” Often he will get congratulations instead of outrage. How many times have we seen these types of stories in the news? In the media, it is often referred to as an “affair” or an inappropriate relationship, not as Child Sexual Abuse. What message are we sending boys?

Another issue that often comes up is the situation in which an older youth or adult educates a boy on how to “be a man”.   Boys are given explicit details and instructions on how to have sex, and shown pictures and movies. Again, this tends to be seen as a right of passage, but exposing children to pornography is sexual abuse.   What we have come to accept, as typical ways to socialize boys about sex and sexuality is sexual abuse.

There are things we can do to stop the sexual abuse of boys. We need to educate them about Child Sexual Abuse in the same way we educate girls. We need to change our belief systems and attitudes about males, masculinity and sexuality. No little boy should be abused as a right of passage or early education.   When we fail to act we are stealing childhoods. We can do better. This is another way we can all work together to end Child Sexual Abuse.

 

 

Abuse by Youth

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Did you know that 40% of perpetrators of Child Sexual Abuse are under the age of 18?   Abuse by youth is something we don’t readily acknowledge or talk about, and we often downplay it when we hear about it. Let me be clear – Child Sexual Abuse is a violation and has a long lasting impact regardless of the age or gender of the perpetrator.

The majority of the time it is someone the child knows that has easy access to the child. Since children spend most of their time with other children and youth, the risk can be very high. I also find that we tend to have a high tolerance for abusive behaviors in youth.   I often hear people say that “kids will be kids,” or “boys will be boys.” and hormones drive teens. These beliefs shape our attitudes and lead to a culture of acceptance.

Our youth are subject to a high rate of sexual harassment and sexual violence.   Why does this happen?   Unfortunately there are no easy answers. One thing we must acknowledge is that the behavior of young people reflects what they see and experience. People commonly believe music, television, and popular culture is the problem.   My question is, who creates and produces this content—children or adults? These things may be part of the puzzle, but in no way the sole cause.

The other question to ask is what is happening in our homes and communities?   What are our children reflecting back to us from these environments? Why are they abusing other children? What are they being exposed to? How are they learning about violence, power and control? Why do some youth feel they can violate others? What are we teaching them about gender, race, and oppression? There is a tendency to blame youth for these behaviors because we don’t want to look at ourselves or hold ourselves accountable.

As I have said before, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Some children exposed to abuse may begin acting out these behaviors particularly if they have not received treatment or had adequate interventions. In a lot of ways this makes sense since children and youth learn about and process things through play, acting out, and imitating—especially when there are no words to describe what has happened.

Due to a lack of awareness and tolerance of sexual violence among youth we miss the children who need our help and put more children at risk for being abused. What can we do about this? What are we doing to make our homes and communities safer? What changes can we make?

I’m sorry this post has more questions than answers, but we really need to think about this. What can we do to make a difference? How do we give children the tools to navigate relationships with other children?

Here are some things to think about:

  • Begin asking children in your life about their friends and how being with their friends makes them feel,
  • Pay attention to children/youth who tend to play with much younger children,
  • Allow children to set body boundaries even with older siblings, relatives, and friends,
  • Teach your child to respect other people’s boundaries,
  • Teach children to play respectfully with other children (no hitting, pushing, punching),
  • Do not allow your child to verbally abuse other children,
  • Believe children when they tell you something is happening,
  • Do not force children to play with anyone who makes them uncomfortable.

 

 

 

Why Children Don’t Disclose Child Sexual Abuse

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We often falsely believe that if a child is abused they will tell us right away.   My question is why would you think that? Think of how we socialize children.   Do we really put children in a position to tell us something like that? Think about it. We tell children not to tattle or snitch. We tell them to keep our secrets. We also instruct them not to tell people what goes on in the home.   Believe it or not, this does have a profound impact. We teach children early to keep things to themselves.

If you saw some of the other posts, I talk about how we expect children to respect authority and elders without question, we violate their boundaries, we don’t educate them about their bodies, or give them the language to communicate if abuse happens. What do we expect the result will be?

Many children won’t disclose abuse in childhood…is there any wonder why?  Often when children are abused they simply don’t know what to say.   Maybe they are too young or maybe we miss the cues they give us. Children do not communicate like adults. One of the typical ways a child will try to tell about abuse is to say they don’t want to spend time with the abuser or they don’t want to go to the location where abuse is occurring.   In my work, I have heard this many times.   The thing that shocks me most is that the adults don’t ask why the child does not want to see a person or go to a particular place.   Do you know how much abuse we miss because we don’t ask why or what’s the matter? So how can we change this? What can we do differently? Here are some ideas to improve communication with children:

  • Do not reprimand or punish children for “tattling,”
  • Think about how you generally react when a child tells you things that are upsetting. If you tend to be emotionally reactive you need to make changes,
  • Ask them questions about their day and ask what was good about the day and also ask what was not so good,
  • Do not encourage children to keep secrets of any kind,
  • Teach children the difference between secrets and surprises,
  • If a child expresses concern and discomfort with anyone (adult or youth), ask why.

There are many things we can do to end Child Sexual Abuse. If we all do our part, we can change the world.

 

Body Safety Part II

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Talking to children about naming their body parts and reducing shame and stigma is only part of what needs to be done to prevent abuse. In previous posts I have talked about allowing children to decide who they hug and kiss (including family). I want to add another piece of the puzzle: a more in-depth conversation about the body.

Most of the time abuse prevention educators tell children that no one should touch their “private parts,” but why stop there? I know as an adult I have felt that it’s not ok for certain people to touch me at all, whether it’s a pat on the back, touching my shoulder, whatever. Why don’t we allow children to do the same? We need to teach children that they are the bosses of their own body. This concept goes way beyond private parts. Adults should even respect when children say they are tired, hungry, in pain, or have to go to the bathroom. How many times do we tell children to ignore what their body is telling them?

Not only do I educate people about Child Sexual Abuse, I’m also a parent. I tell my daughter that her body is always right. Her body tells her when she is around someone who makes her nervous (adult or child) and she knows to be more cautious.   Her body knows when she is sick, hungry, or tired.   When we allow children to listen to their bodies, they are more likely to share with us when they feel uncomfortable. If we don’t allow them to listen to their bodies, they learn to ignore the body with potentially devastating consequences.

So, if someone hugs a child and she or he does not feel comfortable, then to that child that is a bad touch. We should also teach children that hitting, pinching, punching, and pushing are bad touches. It’s amazing how this type of contact is often excluded from body safety education. We need to teach children (and adults) to respect other people’s bodies at all times. This goes beyond sexual abuse. Imagine how different the world would be for children if they were told their bodies are to be respected at all times in all circumstances.