Category Archives: Blog

Respecting Elders and Authority Figures

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What have we been told about authority figures in our lives? I always ask this question when I do trainings. I have found that, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, or country of origin, the answer is often the same. We must respect authority figures or elders without question – no matter what. I am often told that to do otherwise would cause conflicts and, in some families indicate betrayal and disrespect.

What does respecting authority mean, anyway? I was told the same thing, but never given an explanation. Let’s think about this from a child’s perspective.  Does this mean that authority figures in our lives are always right, give us the best advice, and are always operating in our best interests? Does this mean we must do everything we are told to do, even if this means we will get abused sexually, physically, and emotionally? Children often can’t make these distinctions on their own. Do we allow children any power in their relationships with authority/elders? Do we ever allow them to set their own boundaries?

Have we ever really thought about this or do we think about it only after a child has been betrayed? Are we simply passing down directives from generation to generation because this is how it’s always been done – or maybe we just don’t think twice about it? This blanket directive has played a role in many children being sexually abused.

I can’t tell you how many times a parent has wondered why they weren’t told about the abuse. The child’s response to them is “you told me to listen to _(the perpetrator)__ no matter what.” The parent often expected the child to automatically know that they should tell the parent, even though this is not what they have been told. Do you see what I am getting at?

Unfortunately, those who sexually abuse children know that we teach children not to question adults in their lives. Many abusers use their status and power over the child to perpetuate the abuse and know that the child is unlikely to tell because they must listen to them – no matter what!

What would happen if we changed this? What if we told our children that respect is mutual and children have a right to say “no” to anyone who asks them to do something—anything they don’t feel is right or makes them uncomfortable? How could we change things if we told children they could decide whom they hugged and kissed? What if we told them they could say no to a directive that made them feel uncomfortable? What if it is in fact ok to question authority figures and elders without consequences, disbelief, or punishment? We would make the lives of many children safer.

Navigating the Holidays

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For many survivors of sexual abuse the holiday season is a difficult time. There are so many expectations placed on everyone, especially around family. There is also a lot of pressure to get the holidays “right.” Many of us judge others when they say they don’t like the holiday season or don’t want to be with their families. We often make people in our lives justify why they don’t want to engage in these festive and obligatory activities.

Many survivors of abuse struggle during the holiday season. Some don’t share their histories with others and some do. Many say others don’t understand why they can’t just forgive and forget what happened in the past (or now) and just join their family for the holidays.

What if the holiday season brings pain and despair because the idea of family signals danger in mind, body, and spirit? What if the survivor will be sitting across the table from the person who abused them as a child? Or what if someone there is abusing them currently?

How can we support people in celebrating the holiday season in a way that is respectful of their choices, whether we know their history or not? Here are some ways:

  • Don’t judge people’s choices; respect that there is a reason for what they do,
  • Don’t assume that people have family that they can celebrate with,
  • Stop asking people to justify why their plans stray from our perceived notion of the norm,
  • Stop insisting people celebrate if they don’t want to or typically don’t,
  • Ask what is most helpful for them during this time of year, and
  • Explore whether the have a support system or chosen family or friends that they can spend time with, if they chose.

People in our lives don’t expect us to have the right answers or take the pain away. They just want us to listen and respect their choices. They want our compassion and acceptance of who they are. They are asking that our will not be imposed upon them. For some, home is not a safe place. The best gift you can give to someone this holiday season is the encouragement to take care of themselves and set the boundaries they need to get through the season.

Myth of Stranger Danger

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Do you remember what you were first told? Was it “don’t talk to strangers”? Or was it “beware of perverts who will try to grab you off the street”? Was it just girls who were told this, or were boys told this, too?

Do you remember being told who the stranger might be or what they might look like? It was usually a man, right? And he is always an adult, right? And, he would typically be someone who looked different from the men currently in our lives, right? As children, we were often left on our own to decide whether every male stranger was a potential threat.

What about the media, children’s books, and how we have been socialized to treat people who are different from us?

We were consistently told we needed to fear unknown strangers. We were also told they posed the greatest risk to us as children.

This myth has put more children in harm’s way because we never talk about the reality. Here is the startling reality:

  • 90% of children are sexually abused by someone they know,
  • Boys are just as much at risk as girls,
  • Women are also perpetrators of sexual abuse towards children, and
  • 40% of children are abused by someone under the age of 18.

Some may be reading this and silently thinking “I know that stranger danger is a myth.” But for those who know this, are you telling children the truth or speaking up about it? Or are you silently playing along? When you do hear the myth of “stranger danger,” are you challenging that? What is the consequence of not speaking up? The consequence is children abused by someone they know and not knowing what to do!

What is important to understand is that it is very often someone who is important in the child’s life that will sexually abuse them.

These people are family (including siblings), friends, teachers, coaches, and the list goes on. Many times we complicate matters by telling children never to question authority figures – especially in the family. Is it any wonder that children do not disclose their abuse?

We often let ourselves off the hook by not taking responsibility for the things we do daily that make children vulnerable to abuse. Although Child Sexual Abuse still remains a silent epidemic, we all can do something to stop it.

Here is what you can do today to make a difference: do not perpetuate the myth of stranger danger! Speak up! There are ways to educate children without scaring them. One of the ways is to simply allow children to set their own boundaries. More next time.

What is Child Sexual Abuse?

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I am dedicating this blog to talking about Child Sexual Abuse—but what is it? To some, this might sound like a ridiculous question. But the truth is many people don’t know the answer. When most of us think of Child Sexual Abuse we often think the act must be physical, inappropriate touching. After all, this is the definition with which we are the most familiar.

In fact, we are so familiar with the idea of sexual abuse having a physical form that we fail to protect children from other forms of sexual abuse that are very damaging and detrimental to a child.

Here are some examples of how a child can be sexually abused:

  • Being exposed to pornography,
  • Having children witness live sex acts of others,
  • Watching children in the bathroom or shower, undressing (beyond what is age appropriate),
  • Sexual harassment (including street harassment of girls),
  • Sexually explicit conversations with children,
  • Soliciting children over the Internet,
  • Filming children engaging in sexual activity,
  • A child performing a sex act on an adult,
  • A child performing a sex act on another child, and
  • Masturbating in the presence of a child.

Notice that many of the things I mentioned are witnessed, seen, or heard—not physical, inappropriate touching. One of the challenges of our understanding of abuse is that, when we suspect something, our first question to a child is typically “who touched you?” I am aware of many cases in which a child has answered honestly: “nobody touched me,” but they were still being abused! Our questions to children should cover everything on this list. For example: has anyone asked you to take your clothes off, made you watch movies, look at pictures, or contacted you over the internet? These types of questions are better than only asking who touched you.

One of the things many of us fail to understand about sexual abuse is that it can takes days months or years before a perpetrator of abuse will attempt to touch a child. It starts by trying to identify a child who is vulnerable and easily accessible. Once the child is identified, perpetrator starts what’s called the “grooming process,” which is when someone befriends a child and tries to make an emotional connection in order to get the child to do something they want. When you understand the grooming process, you also understand that this is not an easy thing for a stranger to do. It is often people we know—not strangers—that typically groom.

Remember we can all do our part to prevent and end Child Sexual Abuse. So the next time you want to ask a child “who touched you?” remember to ask other questions, like:

  • Has someone made you feel uncomfortable?
  • Has someone asked you to look at movies or pictures?
  • Has someone asked you to remove your clothes?
  • Have you ever been followed or watched during times when you needed privacy?
  • Is there anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable?

You would be amazed how many more children we can protect if we really understood Child Sexual Abuse better and asked the right questions.

Why Child Sexual Abuse?

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For those of you who know me personally and know my work history, you know that I am an advocate to prevent, intervene upon, and treat Child Sexual Abuse.

I readily acknowledge child abuse in all forms is still a problem, but I have singled out Child Sexual Abuse to work on for the following reasons:

  • Child Sexual Abuse remains one of the least talked about forms of abuse,
  • Most adults cannot identity signs and symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse,
  • Most adults assume Child Sexual Abuse has a physical form only and miss many other types of sexual abuse occurring in their homes and communities,
  • Most child protective services organizations, courts, and district attorney offices only tend to intervene in cases where there is physical evidence or the abuser is caught in the act (which doesn’t happen often),
  • Many adults are still not comfortable teaching children about body safety, and
  • Most adults still teach their children about the myth of “stranger danger.”

These are just some of the reasons that I focus on Child Sexual Abuse. As you can see from my list there is a lot of work that needs to be done. Throughout my career, I have worked on each of these issues. Sexual abuse still invokes shame, fear, and secrecy in a way that other forms of abuse just don’t. I also believe there is more urgency with Child Sexual Abuse compared with other types of abuse. The average adult generally knows the signs of physical abuse and neglect so there tends to be more intervention.

It is estimated that only 1 in 10 children will disclose sexual abuse while they are still a child. This means that we are not helping most sexually abused children! These statistics are credible to me because of the many survivors I have worked with who have not told their story for 10, 20, 30—even 50 years after the abuse occurred.

We rely too heavily on disclosures from children and this is not the right strategy. More needs to be done to educate adults about prevention, intervention, and treatment. It’s almost as if we are over relying on children themselves. Adults need to take the lead on this issue. While I believe children should be taught about body safety in schools and at home, how many times can we teach children and not the adults who are actually responsible for them?

The impact of Child Sexual Abuse is deep and long lasting. The issue has impacted me like many of you personally and professionally. I have seen childhoods stolen, but I have also seen adulthoods stolen by sexual abuse. I chose Child Sexual Abuse because I want to give voice to the issue. I want to speak for those who can’t speak for themselves and I want to teach adults to be responsible for protecting children.

Does Anyone Care About Child Sexual Abuse?

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As someone who has worked in this field for a long time, I frequently hear this question. Many people say the general public does not care about Child Sexual Abuse. I don’t agree with that. I have found that most people don’t know they should care about Child Sexual Abuse. Once people understand the true scale and scope of the issue, I find that people do care—they just don’t know what to do.

One of the challenges of this work is the shame and secrecy that surrounds sexual abuse. It is almost as if there is an unstated agreement to never acknowledge or talk about it. It always comes out in whispers. I can’t tell you how many workshops I have done where people will come up to me at the end or during breaks to share stories of their abuse, or the abuse of someone they love.

One of the most conflicting aspects of this work is that we have so many expectations of survivors, but at the same time we don’t follow through on our own responsibilities. We expect people to disclose abuse, but we don’t believe them when they do. We expect people to disclose abuse, but we don’t provide enough resources for them when they do. We expect people to disclose abuse, but don’t consider race, gender, or oppression. We stereotype people who get abused and challenge the truth and credibility of anyone who is not the perfect victim. When a survivor finally takes the first brave step to disclose abuse, we often rely on them to educate others about the issue without taking into consideration that survivors need to focus on their own healing and wellbeing.

In order to make a real difference in ending Child Sexual Abuse, we must stop making survivors responsible for ending the violence. This is the same argument I have with other movements as well. Why do we always make those who are oppressed fight for justice while we sit on the sidelines and evaluate whether their cause is credible and decide if we can relate to it or not? Ending Child Sexual Abuse is a human rights issue, plain and simple. Any child that is being abused—no matter what form the abuse takes—is having their childhood stolen from them!

When you have no childhood, you can’t play. When you can’t play, you can’t imagine or dream. When you can’t imagine or dream, you can’t identify what you want for your future. When you can’t think about the future, you begin to feel hopeless. When you begin to feel hopeless, you stop trying. What happens when tens of thousands of people stop trying? Do you really want to know? Let’s work together to reclaim childhood for survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.

 

Beginning a Dialogue on Child Sexual Abuse

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After many years of contemplation, I am writing my first blog post. As some of you know, my passion has been to treat, prevent, intervene upon, and end Child Sexual Abuse. As much as I have loved the work and have dedicated my time and passion to it, the reality is that I can do more. This blog is my way of holding myself accountable.  I’ll be using this space to raise awareness, ask tough questions, address myths, and present facts about Child Sexual Abuse.

I have been working with children, youth, and adults who have survived Child Sexual Abuse or sexual assaults for my entire career. It is a subject I know well. I have seen the long-term impact on individuals, families, and communities. I know there are countless people who suffer in silence due to shame, fear, hopelessness, and isolation. The statistics indicate that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18 in the United States. Why aren’t we talking about this every day?

When we think of Child Sexual Abuse, we think it doesn’t impact us personally or we say that there are other issues we need to focus on first. We isolate the issue, making it an individual or a family problem. The fact is that you have family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, classmates, husbands, wives, and partners, who have been sexually abused as children. It is all around us—we cannot escape. None of us are immune to the impact.

Imagine a world where children weren’t abused—what would it look like? If we all play our part, we can make a big difference. I dedicate this blog to anyone who has been abused. This is my attempt to make the world a better place. I welcome your comments and thoughts. Thank you for reading.