For many survivors of sexual abuse the holiday season is a difficult time. There are so many expectations placed on everyone, especially around family. There is also a lot of pressure to get the holidays “right.” Many of us judge others when they say they don’t like the holiday season or don’t want to be with their families. We often make people in our lives justify why they don’t want to engage in these festive and obligatory activities.
Many survivors of abuse struggle during the holiday season. Some don’t share their histories with others and some do. Many say others don’t understand why they can’t just forgive and forget what happened in the past (or now) and just join their family for the holidays.
What if the holiday season brings pain and despair because the idea of family signals danger in mind, body, and spirit? What if the survivor will be sitting across the table from the person who abused them as a child? Or what if someone there is abusing them currently?
How can we support people in celebrating the holiday season in a way that is respectful of their choices, whether we know their history or not? Here are some ways:
- Don’t judge people’s choices; respect that there is a reason for what they do,
- Don’t assume that people have family that they can celebrate with,
- Stop asking people to justify why their plans stray from our perceived notion of the norm,
- Stop insisting people celebrate if they don’t want to or typically don’t,
- Ask what is most helpful for them during this time of year, and
- Explore whether the have a support system or chosen family or friends that they can spend time with, if they chose.
People in our lives don’t expect us to have the right answers or take the pain away. They just want us to listen and respect their choices. They want our compassion and acceptance of who they are. They are asking that our will not be imposed upon them. For some, home is not a safe place. The best gift you can give to someone this holiday season is the encouragement to take care of themselves and set the boundaries they need to get through the season.