We often falsely believe that if a child is abused they will tell us right away. My question is why would you think that? Think of how we socialize children. Do we really put children in a position to tell us something like that? Think about it. We tell children not to tattle or snitch. We tell them to keep our secrets. We also instruct them not to tell people what goes on in the home. Believe it or not, this does have a profound impact. We teach children early to keep things to themselves.
If you saw some of the other posts, I talk about how we expect children to respect authority and elders without question, we violate their boundaries, we don’t educate them about their bodies, or give them the language to communicate if abuse happens. What do we expect the result will be?
Many children won’t disclose abuse in childhood…is there any wonder why? Often when children are abused they simply don’t know what to say. Maybe they are too young or maybe we miss the cues they give us. Children do not communicate like adults. One of the typical ways a child will try to tell about abuse is to say they don’t want to spend time with the abuser or they don’t want to go to the location where abuse is occurring. In my work, I have heard this many times. The thing that shocks me most is that the adults don’t ask why the child does not want to see a person or go to a particular place. Do you know how much abuse we miss because we don’t ask why or what’s the matter? So how can we change this? What can we do differently? Here are some ideas to improve communication with children:
- Do not reprimand or punish children for “tattling,”
- Think about how you generally react when a child tells you things that are upsetting. If you tend to be emotionally reactive you need to make changes,
- Ask them questions about their day and ask what was good about the day and also ask what was not so good,
- Do not encourage children to keep secrets of any kind,
- Teach children the difference between secrets and surprises,
- If a child expresses concern and discomfort with anyone (adult or youth), ask why.
There are many things we can do to end Child Sexual Abuse. If we all do our part, we can change the world.